I have not been a very good Christian the past couple of days. I wish I could say that I’m in unfamiliar territory, but to be honest this isn’t all that unusual a feeling for me. I feel this way every time I cut someone off on the highway or say something snarky to someone or skip church because I feel so overwhelmed I just can’t add another thing to my day. That feeling of not being at the top of my “game” is not a fun one, but definitely one that I’m familiar with.
But after experiencing God’s amazing goodness and mercy in a very huge way today, I also realized my shortcomings as a believer – as someone who professes to trust God in everything and frequently advises others to do the same.
Here’s the situation:
We are currently in the process of having hurricane windows installed. Not an easy undertaking, nor the cheapest option in hurricane protection. We also happen to live in a cookie-cutter community with a Home Owner’s Association that can be quite particular about home improvement projects (as is their right). After the first window was installed I discovered that we’d mistakenly ordered a window that didn’t conform to the neighborhood, and I got nervous. When I realized that we’d ordered the wrong windows for the ENTIRE HOUSE, I panicked. Literally. Sweats, tears, nausea – the works. Oh, I kept my cool in front of the workmen, but I was a basket case on the inside. Add to that the rotted out hollow wall we found beneath another window, and I was losing it. My poor hubby felt the brunt of that stress, I’m sad to say.
So here’s the problem. Not once did I stop and pray and give it to God. Not once did I bother to tell Him that I knew He had it all under control. I was just way too busy. Oh, don’t get me wrong, I trust God to the depths of my soul with every aspect of my life, I truly do. I know that He’s got everything handled much better than I ever could dream of. But in the midst of repeatedly calling Jay (who had to fly out of town for the day), the HOA, and the owner of the window company, I never stopped to give God a call. Although I know that deep down inside I know that nothing is too small for my giant God and I knew everything would be fine, I never once told Him.
It’s kinda like the annoying old question about a tree falling in the forest. If I think something deep down in my heart, but never utter it with my lips, does God hear it? I know without a doubt that He does. And I know that He loves and forgives me, even though I fail to express my trust in Him to take care of me. Thankfully, His goodness never rides on the back of my doing what I’m supposed to.
I constantly find myself taking the confidence I have in His love and forgiveness for granted. I often think (after the fact), well, He knows my heart. And while that’s true, I really need to start thinking about my relationship with God the way I think about my relationship with Jay. My sweet hubby trusts me like no one has ever trusted me. And I know this. But I still love to hear it. Jay loves me deeply – I know this too. But I still need to hear it. He’s also proud and impressed with how hard I work around the house. But – you guessed it – I still really need to hear him tell me. So why is it okay for me to deny God those same sweet words of reassurance? It isn’t, plain and simple. He loves to hear me tell him things He already knows just as much as I love to hear Jay tell me.
See, here’s the thing. The whole mess with the windows turned out not the be a mess at all. In the end everything worked out, and even though we are the only house in the entire community of over 100 homes with windows that look like this, we were told we could keep them. God was good even though I never asked him to be, even though I never told Him that I knew He was watching out for us (and our pockets).
That’s my God.
And I need to do a better job of telling Him that I know what He’s capable of.