I decided to celebrate by giving my blog a makeover… yay!
And while this blog is primarily for me and my girls, I just want to say a HUMONGOUS thank you to those of you who read my blog and take the time to comment about my posts, whether it be here or in person. It’s extremely encouraging, and helps keep me going (mainly because my girls are too young to read any of this yet or even care that I’m writing it). 🙂
Now, onto that 100th post!
I started this blog in September 2012. After being home with Julia for a year I finally went back to teaching. Unfortunately, things were much more difficult for me than I had anticipated – my new school provided challenges I’d never faced before, and being away from my beauties was absolute torture, which I’m sure made my work situation seem even worse than it really was.
I was depressed. Eternally bummed. I started to see myself as a horrible mother, because I couldn’t be there for my girls the way I wanted to. I felt like a horrible teacher, because my desire to return to being a stay-at-home mom was clearly effecting my attitudes towards my students. I felt like a horrible friend because all I wanted to do was vent all the time. And I felt like a horrible wife because I couldn’t seem to be happy no matter what Jay did to try to cheer me up.
I started this blog the at the suggestion of my hubby and my good friend Leanette (of Teach Me 2 Save fame) as a way to dump all the thoughts running through my head. I was going through a really rough time, and I was having a hard time finding the small joys that I knew were still happening in my life… the things that are always around me, yet were so hard to see through my misery-colored glasses. I wanted to create a safe place to log all of my thoughts, fears, faults, joys, successes, and failures. I wanted my beauties to be able read the things going through my head, especially when they feel like they don’t know me at all (which I’m sure they will one day). I wanted to document my running experiences. My recipes. My craft & DIY projects. The changes I make to my home. I wanted to write down the things in my head, no matter how random. Or dumb. Or long. Or boring.
I wanted to start noticing the joys in life again.
But noticing the months that I posted after starting this journey I can see that my plan actually didn’t work. This blog didn’t actually start to become the outlet that I’d hoped it would be until May of last year, which was about a month after we learned that Jay had a new job that would allow me to return to stay-at-home mom status. To be more clear, I couldn’t write about those everyday happy moments until then – because I couldn’t see them. At least, not until things were going my way.
It’s easy to find joy when you’re happy. It’s much more difficult to do when you’re not. When I’m happy my food tastes better, jokes are funnier, and I feel beautiful. When I’m depressed the same meals are bland… the same jokes are annoying… and the same outfit makes me feel fat.
I was guilty of forgetting something: that God was in control. I was so focused on what I wanted and how I wasn’t getting what I wanted that I forgot to let go. It was easy to trust God when all my little fuzzy duckies were lining up neatly, but as soon as that line got askew I lost faith. I wasn’t giving my worries and cares to Him, knowing that He cares for me. I was holding onto all of them myself, and it was eating me up from the inside out. I definitely tried, but I’m willing to bet that if I’d truly given it all to Him then I wouldn’t have struggled so hard to be happy.
I started this blog for me, but I love that God used it to show me an area of my faith that I need to work on. He’s cool like that.